JASON BRAVO

Lyrics

From THE WIZARD OF CLAUS: THE MUSICAL

As they continue on their journey to Claus, SALLY and DRY CLEAN ONLY pass through the Candy Cane Forest where they meet CANDY, who they hear crying. CANDY is an outwardly sassy, salty (literally!) candy cane who was made without sugar. [Her tough outer shell is only a disguise of a lonely, hurt soul who was rejected and made to feel an outcast by the other normal (i.e. “sweet”) candy canes because she was different and made without sugar.]
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HARD CANDY
(Music and lyrics by Jason Bravo)

CANDY
“WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO TOUGH?”
EVERYBODY ASKS THE QUESTION.
TRUTHFULLY, I’VE HAD ENOUGH
OF JUSTIFYING MY INTENTIONS.

I DON’T BOTHER TAKIN’ VOTES
ON WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO ACT.
IF I DON’T MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS,
SORRY, BUT
THERE’S NOTHIN’ I CAN DO ABOUT THAT!

AIN’T NOTHIN’ SOFT ABOUT ME.
I’M HARD. I’M HARD CANDY.
WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE.
I’M HARD. I’M HARD CANDY.
I DON’T REALLY CARE
IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME MORE
IF I WERE COTTON CANDY?
YOU COULD BREAK A TOOTH-A JUST-A THINKIN’ ABOUT IT.
DON’T DOUBT IT.
EH EH EH, NAH NEE NAH
NEE NAH NEE NAH,
NAH NEE NAH NEE NAH
EH EH EH, NAH NEE NAH
NEE NAH NEE NAH,
NAH NEE NAH NEE NAH
EH!

SALLY
Wait a minute! You were just crying over there. You’re not so--

CANDY
SORRY, BUT YOU GOT IT WRONG!
I KNOW THAT I’M A LOT TO TAKE IN.
IF YOU THINK I’M ANYTHING BUT STRONG,
WELL I’M SORRY, BUT YOU’D BE MISTAKEN.

WATERWORKS, THEY WON’T BE FLOWIN’
NOT NOW, NOT FOREVER MORE.
CRYIN’S FOR BABIES,
AND JELLYBEANS MAYBE
AND YOU’D BE CRAZY
IF YOU THINK YOU’D SEE ME IN A S’MORE. EH EH.

AIN’T NOTHIN’ SOFT ABOUT ME.
I’M HARD. I’M HARD CANDY.
WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE.
I’M HARD. I’M HARD CANDY.
I DON’T REALLY CARE
IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME MORE
IF I WERE COTTON CANDY?
YOU COULD BREAK A TOOTH-A JUST-A THINKIN’ ABOUT IT.
DON’T DOUBT IT.
EH EH EH, NAH NEE NAH
NEE NAH NEE NAH,
NAH NEE NAH NEE NAH
EH EH EH, NAH NEE NAH
NEE NAH NEE NAH,
NAH NEE NAH NEE NAH

(Lights change and dim on DRY CLEAN ONLY and SALLY, who don’t actually hear CANDY sing this next section. It is an inner monologue CANDY sings out to the audience, being totally open and vulnerable, admitting her pain of being rejected by the other sweet candy canes and why she now acts so tough all the time.)

BUT I’M REALLY JUST A LONELY GIRL
WHO WAS DIFFERENT AND SET APART.
WHEN I FOUND OUT
THAT I WASN’T LIKE THEM,
WELL, THEY TOOK THEIR AIM
STRAIGHT AT MY HEART.
AND SO, I BECAME THE ONLY GIRL
IN THE FOREST WITHOUT A FRIEND
WHEN IT TURNED OUT
THAT THE SWEETEST CANDY
WAS THE CRUELEST OF ALL IN THE END.

WHEN YOU’RE CONSTANTLY
CALLED A MISTAKE,
THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN TAKE
‘TIL YOU FIND A WAY NOT TO BREAK.

(We shift back to the present. Lights up on DRY CLEAN ONLY and SALLY. CANDY is back in tough-girl mode.)

EH!

I DON’T BOTHER TAKIN’ VOTES
ON WHAT TO SAY AND HOW TO ACT.
IF I DON’T MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS,
SORRY, BUT THERE’S NOTHIN’ I CAN DO
NOTHIN’ I CAN DO
NOTHIN’ I CAN DO ABOUT
NOTHIN’ I CAN DO ABOUT THAT!

AIN’T NOTHIN’ SOFT ABOUT ME.

SALLY and DRY CLEAN ONLY
SHE’S HARD. SHE’S HARD CANDY.

CANDY
WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE.

SALLY and DRY CLEAN ONLY
SHE’S HARD. SHE’S HARD CANDY.

CANDY
I DON’T REALLY CARE
IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME MORE
IF I WERE COTTON CANDY?
YOU COULD BREAK A TOOTH-A JUST-A THINKIN’ ABOUT IT.
DON’T DOUBT IT.
EH EH EH, NAH NEE NAH
NEE NAH NEE NAH,
NAH NEE NAH NEE NAH
EH EH EH, NAH NEE NAH
NEE NAH NEE NAH,
NAH NEE NAH NEE NAH
EH!